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My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
Does anyone know how much water I`m supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
just bought 400 copies of Hoarders: Season 1. Not sure what to do with them.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"