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My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.