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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.