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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what Iām talking about.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.