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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...