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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.