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Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Im not fat I´m just easier to see
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Politeness has become so rare, that some people mistake it for flirting.