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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
you know that awkward moment when you think someone`s talking to you so you reply to them and then they look over at you with that disgusted facial expression that says "wtf ..no"
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I`m glad it`s the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the sh!t I should be doing.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.