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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
It saddens me to say that after tasting this homemade whiskey/nacho cheese ice cream, I’ve found not all dreams are meant to be followed.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Like my therapist always says, "I`m not your therapist, you`re just laying on a couch in Ikea"
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.
You know you`ve reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.