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Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.