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"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
I don`t eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I`ll have to $hit more at work.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
My favorite sex position is, "don`t tell anyone we did this".
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.