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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.