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Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.