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I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...