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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.