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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
It`s just a mater of time before bathrooms will eventually be called Selfie Rooms
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.