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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
So can we just skip to summer now?
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Apparently I misunderstood it when I was told to "expose yourself to other cultures."
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.