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Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Funny how things change with time, I used to hate spankings...
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.