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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
I`m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I`m your man.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.