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Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The problem with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....