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All I`m saying is that the cheese grater wouldn`t have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after every use.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
Don`t rush me. I`m waiting for the last minute.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they`ll do nicely"
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.