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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I got drunk last night and my house wasn`t where I left it.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
I would love to kill you with kindness, but all I have is this knife.