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I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
The dollar store needs to go ahead and open up a few gas stations.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.