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It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome