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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
You know vacation should be over when all you do is sit around naked, drinking fruity malt liquor beverages
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
My 12 step program means parking closer to the bar.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.