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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Don`t under estimate me... unless you`re trying to guess how old I am or how much I weigh.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
If u think someone (me) is cute u should tell them (me)
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
This century is already 15% over.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it`s worth.