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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Iām the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.