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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"