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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Valentines day
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Life is what you make it = 10% Shit happens = 90%
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out