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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Long story short, I love summaries.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Tomorrow the world shall be ours! Until then, good night my evil minions!!
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.