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Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
It takes two people to lie....one to lie.....the other to listen
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
when people fall in love they are called " love birds." when they fight they are called "angry birds."