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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It`s like a tattoo that yells at you.
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?