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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.