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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
only fights if pillows are present.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
As if " cray cray" wasn`t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to " cray"....that`s just stu stu
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)