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You can steal my status updates whenever you want, but just remember that I lick every single one before I post them...
facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Free snow at my house. Shovel all you want!
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.