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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
Sometimes, just to annoy my Therapist, I’ll ask him; “so how does my lack of progress make you feel?”
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich