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Ya Know?!?......The number of ways I could care less...... is astounding!
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
next time you`re at a movie point at the screen when a scene with extras are on and say to your buddy "look, there i am!" and see how many people look over at you in awe.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.