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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I’m not in denial, I’m just selective about the reality I choose to accept :)
Running behind is my cardio.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks