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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)