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One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I like people... From a distance.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Without the sanctity of marriage there wouldn`t be job security for divorce attorneys and marriage counselors.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
They should just block cell phone service in movie theaters. Problem solved.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.
Can`t they just make a "Poke infinity" button?
change your birthday on facebook to today, see how many people say happy birthday for APRIL FOOLS!!!! lol
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......