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Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.