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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
I`ve considered changing career paths and becoming a demolitions expert, but then I hear the education may cost me an arm and a leg.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Olive Garden says “When you’re here you’re family”, how could they expect me NOT to think I’m entitled to a free meal.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.