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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.