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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Revenge is best served to someone`s toothbrush.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.