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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
If you can read this, you`re not having sex either.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
You had me at 0 mutual friends
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.