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I got called pretty today! Well actually the full statement was "you`re pretty annoying!" But I only focus on positive things
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
Firemen must dread the moment when they`re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!