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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Dear naps, I`m sorry I was such a jerk to you as a kid.
Dora the explorer.... Y U NO GET GPS?
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.