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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2