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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you have been in?
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
I spent 2 hours cleaning this kitchen. Mess it up and I will cut you! ... Love MOM
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.