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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Chips have little nutritional value. That’s why you need to eat the whole bag.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
Anything is legal when there`s no police around