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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I`m sleeping in tell Friday so ... Happy Tuesday.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.