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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Save time. See it my way.
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red