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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
Gravity is a real downer.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I don`t hate you, it`s just, if you were on fire. I would roast marshmallows.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.