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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.