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Hard butter is the devil.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
If I was rich, I´d do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.