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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
I`ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she`s a woodpecker.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
I’m convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect.