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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol