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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes, because I would have an 8 pack.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."