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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
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Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
I wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There`s ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.