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Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I`ll be posting telepathically today.. So if you think of something funny, that was me.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.