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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
This salad tastes like I`m about done with my New Year`s Resolution.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.