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First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Ugh, I have an ingrown hair and it really hurts. This sounds like a job for medical marijuana.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
People say 60 is the new 40 but the cop who just pulled me over doesn`t agree.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.