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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
Smile, it´s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat