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Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I would like to be a Disney Princess...You know, where I have random animals showing up to help with the housework!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.