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When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
is confused. Oh wait, maybe not.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate