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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Blue&Black or White&Gold? Who cares what color the dress is, so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
I think you know you’ve got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.