Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Seeing a spider isn`t a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider disappears.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
I only support ghost hunting if you need the ghost for food.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.