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Fun things to do in Walmart: Take the ``try me`` stickers off of the toys & place them on condom boxes.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
Adulthood – Pros: You can now eat ice cream in bed. Cons: This will somehow make you sadder.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.