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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone