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great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
I couldn`t be on a reality show because I wouldn`t want my mom to see how many times I make the jerk-off motion when we talk on the phone
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I liked you better before we met.
I will never forget the day when she said yes to me because that was the last time we agreed on anything.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.