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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
You do realize everyone can see your status right?
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
"I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
Ladies...when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
I`m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I`ve been to in the last week that`s had "insufficient funds".