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I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.