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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.