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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
It was all so different before everything changed.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.