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If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
I may or may not have just "Whipped my Hair Back and Forth".......
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.