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What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Deep down, we`re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.