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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
i don`t care if u don`t like me ........... i am not a facebook status:D
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.