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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
It`s hard to be a good person when kids fit so perfectly into trash cans.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.
I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I`ll get ripped in 15 minutes