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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I`m pretty sure she`ll figure out that I`m just after my money
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.