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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
This is why my kids dont take me places anymore ... Waitress: “Do u have any questions about the menu?” Me: ” Yes, What kind of font is this?”
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"