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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
She said she was stripping to feed her kids but then got pissed when I started throwing canned goods at her
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
Being alive is so expensive.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.