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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I wish I had Shazam for faces...
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..