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Change of plans everyone: NOBODY Wang Chung tonight.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting.
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
My box of animal crackers says "May contain nuts." So I`m inspecting each animal before I eat it...just in case.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.