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That urge you get to write, "No one cares" on someone`s status.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
How I talk: 25% swearing, 25% sarcasm 50% a combination of both.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.