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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.