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umm umm u know that school where i got the degree from
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Last night I was drunk and asked a cat if it could talk. It said, “Me? How?”
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.