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Happy 1 year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer!
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Some people look for a perfect relationship, but all I want is a cheeseburger that looks like the ones on commercials!
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."