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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
I can`t be trusted with your alphabet magnets.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.