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It`s Thanksgiving. Don`t forget to set your scale back 25 lbs
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something