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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.