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*licks finger, holds it up in the air* ah yes, just as I suspected. wind.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
It`s so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from freezing.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
How can I trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I`m on my 5th coffee, just in case you`re wondering about the "other way" to get to Narnia .
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.