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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
You`re as useless as a referee in the WWE
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I can only please one person a day...and today is not your day!
The problem with this generation boils down to this one thing: Their cartoons suck.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those? -Me, at Home Depot
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.