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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
No matter how loud you crank the bass, it`s still a minivan.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.