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Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Find someone you`re good at.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
Figuring out that you`ll probably never figure it out is the first step of really figuring things out.
I always ask my waitress to name everything that comes in the salad then I respond “OK perfect, I want a cheeseburger with none of that on it.”