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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
No matter what life brings you, always take a lesson from your dog.. Kick some grass over that s**t and move on.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner