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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
The queen honey bee has up to 40 sexual partners a day, just like your ex.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.