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It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
It`s finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
$100 for a dozen red what?! That`s a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Please please, keep talking. I always yawn when I`m interested...
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!