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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile ?
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.