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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.