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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
I would rather have a bad day of fishing then a good day of work.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister