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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Is it weird to get naked during a massage? At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
Gotta thin the herd. ā me eating animal crackers
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what Iām doing.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!