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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
Farted in my wallet, Now I have gas money.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.