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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
With the promise of Free Drinks or Food, I’m willing to go pretty much anywhere.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
Don`t waste my timeline.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.