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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
Wisdom for the day is , hot cheetos are not breakfast.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you?