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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looked on Instagram.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.