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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
Your giving me the silent treatment??? FKN FINALLY!!
You can never really say `what`s on your mind` when you have family members on your Facebook.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
If your day was that bad, why do you assume we want to know about it?