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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.