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It`s not everyday you find a $50 bill in your pocket, I didn`t, but like I said it`s not everyday..
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.