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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
Trust me, you want me medicated!!
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I`m Not Perfect. Your Not Perfect. But Together We Can Be a Perfect Sense of Humor LOL!
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.