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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
I should eat more healthy, but we all saw how that whole apple thing went for Adam & Eve.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.