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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Heat causes things to expand, so I`m not fat; I`m just hot.
wishes life would hand me lemons especially today.. that way I`d have something to throw at the people that are pissing me off
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.