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If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
I hate when I`m admiring my good looks from a car`s window reflection and the people inside think I`m staring at them.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.