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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
How many exercise/workout videos does a person have to buy before seeing results?
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........