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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
Apparently, when asked "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin` large ones" is not the correct answer.
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I`m sexy and I know it really is....... your slutty and you blow it.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.