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When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
One out of every 4 Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they´re okay, then it´s you.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.