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I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
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Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
My friend said the only vegetable that could make him cry was an onion. That was before I hit him in the face with a watermelon.