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I`m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat`s hair grows back.
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Thank goodness I`m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can`t blame it on the alcohol.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Would you be a deer and run out in front of my car for me?
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
So far the "couch" part of couch-to-5k is easily my favorite.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.