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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I`ve ever made.
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.