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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.