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Girls love shoes… so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you`re trying to escape?
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch