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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. You decide.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
I`m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I`m sobering up.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
I’m pretty sure I have atleast one anscestor who would be pretty pissed to find out that helicopters exist and I can’t fly one.
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.